Never Win
by Billie the fourth sage
Summary: Vexen just can't win. His life sucks that way. AU 411 oneshot


Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the storyline.

* * *

He never can win.

Vexen straightened up, grabbing his books with conviction and turning away from the smirking faces and laughing students.

Of course, as always, the cause of his grief being Marluxia. Marluxia was popular, manipulative, and smart enough to keep on his feet and pushing Vexen to his knees.

Oh, how Vexen loathed him. It hadn't always been like that, though. Vexen's life just seemed to enjoy going wrong. It was like his life was never meant to win.

* * *

_Vexen looked up from his homework at the commotion. Looking outside his window, the blond saw a moving van, and a number of burly workers loading in the furniture of those who would soon be his neighbors. _

_Vexen glanced to his right at the van, then right in front of him, where another window was, right beside his own. _

_He had long since wondered when the room would be taken. At times Vexen knew he could climb right into the house from that window, but never tried it. _

_Just a few hours after Vexen noticed the movers, he heard a knock on his window. He hesitated, but slid the window open. Before him was a boy, about his age, with mulberry-tinted hair and the deepest blue eyes he'd ever seen._

"_Hello there."_

* * *

The event happened about a year prior, and following that, Vexen had been bothered a number of times by a knock on his window, and Marluxia slipping into his room.

They had 'hung out', as Marluxia put it, or more aptly, Marluxia just watched him do whatever it was he was doing and Vexen let him in deeper than anyone ever had, no innuendos.

Vexen was not a social person, and Marluxia was exactly the opposite. When Marluxia started gaining friends, the blond expected the pink-head to forget he even existed. Strangely enough, he didn't, not for a long time.

One day though, that changed too. Marluxia stopped knocking on his window, and Vexen stopped expecting the boy's presence in his room. He went on like nothing had changed, but he felt emptier than he'd ever been, and cursed himself for letting himself be affected so much.

The abuse at school started not long after, and Marluxia was soon his enemy. What had brought about the change? Vexen never bothered to find out. His cold exterior rebuilt itself, and not even Marluxia was let in. Or so the blond wanted to believe.

* * *

One day, Vexen was working on a school project, not looking up from his desk for anything, that is, until he heard a knock on his window. He looked up, thinking he'd imagined it, and returned to his work. But the knock came again.

Vexen slid the window open, and Marluxia came to face him. The latter still had the same smug, bastard face on, and Vexen demanded what he wanted.

Marluxia escaped his gaze and simply said he needed to borrow scissors. Vexen was not obliged to get it for him, so Marluxia just came in to get it himself.

He just stepped on the ledge and crossed to Vexen's window ledge, keeping his grip on the frame and conscious of the fall down if he performed a misstep. But he had done this before, and he didn't forget.

He took Vexen's scissors from the table while Vexen just went back to his work. Marluxia looked contemplating as he passed a vase on the table by the window ledge. "What changed?" He murmured askance.

Vexen looked up and turned to him questioningly. "Remember when I used to put flowers in this everyday? You never bothered to." Marluxia said, almost smiling at the memory.

"You have what you need. Or did you want to have a walk down memory lane, Marluxia, because if you haven't noticed, I'm busy." Vexen said coldly.

Marluxia's eyes narrowed. "I'm sorry doctor freeze, I didn't mean to bother you." He said with derision. "Cold as ever I see." He muttered under his breath as he crossed to his side.

* * *

Vexen would never admit it. Never. But he missed those days. He missed Marluxia. Things just weren't the same without the flowery idiot. Being the stubborn iceberg that might have sunk the Titanic faster, Vexen would never admit it.

Things were pretty much the same at school; Marluxia embarrassed Vexen every opportunity he got and Vexen took it without comment. Half the time Vexen also wondered if rat poison could be slipped in Marluxia's drink without it getting him involved.

Day after day after monotonous day Marluxia spat crap and Vexen took it, no questions asked. This was how it would be. And every single day, Vexen always had the same thought.

_I can never win, can I?_

* * *

At school that day, things were different. Vexen couldn't quite put his finger on it, until he noticed that Marluxia was absent from school.

The blond made a note to ask about it later on, but was stopped by a thought. _Why should I even be concerned about the bastard? This day just gives me one less thing to deal with._

But Vexen couldn't help but wonder about Marluxia that day.

* * *

Vexen came home, did the same thing he did each day. It went on until nightfall. The clock soon struck eleven, and Vexen was surprised at how late it was that he finished his work, but he was used to sleeping late anyway.

Right then, he heard a knock on his window. He knew it wasn't his imagination, and even if he was convinced that he didn't care what had happened to Marluxia, he couldn't help but hurry his steps as he came to open the window.

Marluxia stared back at him, but in lack of light, Vexen wondered if he was seeing right. _Was he... crying?_

* * *

"I'm sorry for crawling to you about this, I just didn't know where else to go. I... can't face anyone else. I just..." Marluxia was sobbing through his words, making an attempt at coherency while Vexen listened to every word.

Apparently Marluxia's mother had died, along with his sister. Vexen had met them once and liked them both. Marluxia didn't connect well with his father, who expected him to be strong at that time. The boy had locked himself in his room and cried his eyes out through the day.

Now Vexen found himself comforting the one whom he'd established to be his sworn enemy. The irony of it all occurred to him as he held Marluxia close, whispering comfort that he never knew he could give.

He wanted to make Marluxia smile again. He wanted to be there for him. He wanted...

Vexen was snapped out of his thoughts when Marluxia stopped sobbing and just looked up at him with tired blue eyes. "Marluxia, what-"

Vexen was cut off when Marluxia reached up and his mouth muffled Vexen's words. As he shifted, Vexen felt the warmth of Marluxia as the latter pressed himself up to the blonde. Vexen unconsciously ran his hands through Marluxia's soft hair and they kissed passionately, neither one wanting to let go.

When they came up for air, Marluxia spoke first through ragged breaths. He gazed at the blond with passion in his deep eyes and whispered. "You'll never leave me Vexen, right?"

Vexen had no time to answer back as Marluxia initiated again, the two grabbing at each other's hair and locking their lips together. Vexen's icy exterior just melted from Marluxia's fiery passion, like spring would melt the winter.

Marluxia's mouth only left Vexen's to explore the unclaimed territory that was Vexen's neck, and the blond moaned as Marluxia discovered his soft spots.

Vexen felt himself lost in the fury of their passions, and Marluxia had no intention of stopping till he reached their peak.

Thus was the night.

* * *

When Vexen awoke, his brain attempted to process what had happened the night before, but he tensed at realization. What had they done?

* * *

Ever since that night, Vexen could not bear to look at Marluxia, not at school, not anywhere. Marluxia looked confused the last time Vexen dared a glance, although the blond did his best to avoid Marluxia.

In truth, all he wanted to avoid was his own shame; something that Marluxia hadn't brought him this time.

The knocks on the window were ignored, the notes left to him in his mail, unanswered. He didn't want to read them. He didn't want to know. He had to have time to think it over.

Vexen stayed stubborn. He wanted to get rid of every thought of Marluxia. Marluxia had stopped teasing him in school. Marluxia kept knocking on his window. Marluxia kept sending him messages. Vexen locked him out in every way.

It was that one day, when he came home, that he found out that Marluxia had gone on a trip. His parents had told him so. When he came up to his room, there he saw something that hadn't been there before.

Flowers were in the vase, and a letter was on the table. Vexen took the letter, raised the lid of his trashcan, but his hand didn't let go of the paper.

He sat down, and he opened it.

_**Ever since the day I met you, I knew you were the coldest person I could ever have the misfortune to know. Everyday after that I always came to see you, mainly because I couldn't stay away. It's so ironic; the more you pushed me away, the more I tried to cling. You were like my lifeline, Vexen. **_

_**I tried to push you away. We never got any closer, no matter how long I spent my days with you, no matter how hard I tried to make you notice... So I tried to just push you away. I thought I could make things better for both of us. But then when I insulted you I found that it hurt me more than it did you. It took me a death or two to realize that I just couldn't shut you out like you did me. **_

_**I love you. I want to be with you. I thought that you were always so cold, but the recent days have told me that you can lower even that to a killer frost. **_

_**That's what you've been doing, you know. You've been killing me by avoiding me. That night... Believe it or not, that was one of the happiest nights of my life. **_

_**I don't care if you want to push me away, Vexen; I swear I'll just keep coming back. I won't let go of my lifeline. **_

_**I love you**_

Vexen clutched the letter with trembling hands; his mind was in a daze.

The next morning he couldn't even bring himself to go to school, no matter his straight attendance; he didn't want to face anyone.

Marluxia loved him... That was just it... He felt the same. He was just so confused. He had locked Marluxia out so long, and yet...

A knock on the window tore him from his thoughts. He slid it open and saw Marluxia looking at him, slightly surprised that the blond bothered to open the window at all.

"I got... your letter..." Vexen said weakly. Marluxia smiled just as weakly in an attempt to grin. "Which one?"

Vexen leaned out farther and so did Marluxia, just enough for their lips to touch. Then Vexen pulled away and shut the window.

_Why? Why now? _Vexen felt the fear freeze his senses. Marluxia was knocking, calling out with concern. Vexen knew what he wanted. Why was he so afraid?

**You never win, Vexen... you know this won't end well.**

No. He wouldn't give it all up just because of his fears. He loved Marluxia. He wanted him... Vexen opened the window. The last thing he saw was Marluxia's smile that he'd opened the window. Marluxia was happy that he'd opened up to him. Marluxia's mouth whispered the three words that he'd been waiting so long to hear, but all Vexen heard was the sickening crack on the cement below.

Marluxia had crossed. When Vexen opened the window, he had slipped. Just three seconds, and Vexen lost him. He'd lost him before he could even tell him...

* * *

The funeral was shocking to everyone, right after his mother and sister, even. Vexen was at the funeral, around people he hardly knew, crying no tears.

No one could really see it, but he was broken. Nobody would have known, but all the tears they cried compared nothing to the grief he felt.

* * *

After that, Vexen didn't work in the afternoons. He watched the sun set, and he watched the flowers in his vase wither. He read all Marluxia's notes, which consisted of apologies, questions, and all those things.

There were only two he held on to. One was the last letter, the one that came with the flowers. The other was a short written note that had many erasures. Most of the paper had been filled with erasure marks, and the bottom held the only words he'd wanted to say.

_**Please don't leave me.**_

The flowers just withered to nothing. He was gone. Vexen waited to hear a knock on his window, but it never came again. The room on the other side was emptied.

_I've lost everything. _

**You can never win, Vexen. **

Vexen found it ironic for fear to become fact. He looked out the window and saw nothing anymore. The world around him was nothing now.

The blond leaned over, remembering the first and last time he ever saw those deep blue eyes. He closed his own, leaning over, remembering their night of passion, Marluxia's begging eyes...

_**Please don't leave me. **_

All it took was two seconds, not three, as Vexen realized. It was quick.

_I'm coming Marluxia._

Winning came in a number of ways. People may not have realized it, but Vexen was happier dying than living in a world of loss.

Sa mundo ng kawalan.

He wasn't leaving Marluxia alone. In a way, Vexen actually won. How strange.

You'd think he could never win.

* * *

Sa mundo ng kawalan: in a world of loss.

It was sort of a translated quote from a really touching Filipino song called 'Hawak Kamay' sung by Yeng Constantino.

A/N: Awwwww D8 This made even me feel so horrible. I've been incubating this idea in my head since holy week but the words just needed the right time to come out. This was one of those magical fanfics that's really birthed by inspiration.

Man it feels weird, like I didn't even write it (which I did)

Well... I hope this was okay...

Please review because it's really irritating if you don't. 8I So please do.

Thanks 8D


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